~sAbriNa~

No more words need to be written… No more quotes need to be spoken…

My heart ripped into small pieces. At first I thought I would never be able to mend it back or at least not this soon. But, hey who knows? Ah, only God knows!  I believe everything happened for a reason. All we have to do is waiting and trying to do our best to figure it out. I’m not trying to be wise or something in here, but that’s the truth. A bad one though.

Little did I know, most of the things that he did and said to me in the past were just a content of a giant box full of lies. I was shocked! How could someone be so harsh to someone they said love?? There were thousands of thoughts came through my mind. I couldn’t accept it at first, but then I realized. Most of the things that we had were too perfect, too perfect to be true if I could say. Its perfection scared me off a couple of times. But, it felt so good and I never felt like that before. The feelings of being comfortable in your own skin no matter what, having a best friend to go through bad times and good times, and knowing that you meant the world for someone. Those are the three best feelings that I had been waiting for so long in a relationship. And I finally found it! I was blissful! Three seasons past as we getting closer.

Then, it happened suddenly without any sign before. We ended it. I tried my best to keep it work, but it didn’t work. I swore to myself that time, that I would never let it go that easily. Until one day I reached one point, I felt so far away from him no matter how close we sat from each other. Then, I woke up from the dreamland. I realized that I didn’t want to live in denial. I had to let him go. It was very hard for me to be honest. It felt like something is missing from my heart. Felt so empty. But now I know, I was not and had never been the one for him. I guess I was just a little journey for him that he probably already forgot about it in couple weeks or so. Knowing all of the truths had helped me a lot. It helped me to get through this and it helped me to forgive him, so I can move on.

Spring is here, a new season and a new different life is here for me. Many people believe that spring is the most beautiful season from all, because all of the blossom flowers and trees. I disagree with that. Not because of my broken heart that happened as spring came along, but it is because of the feeling that I will never get from any other seasons but fall season. Fall is the best season for me! Watching the leaf falling from the tree and floating on the air until it finally reaches the ground? Nothing is more beautiful than that.

Nevertheless, spring is good. It is sunnier, warmer, and looks more cheerful everywhere I go. Maybe that is why it is easier for me to get through with these whole things by myself.

After all, I didn’t regret any single thing. He was very special for me. He was the one for me. He was the first guy who I actually believe would be ended up with. However, God has another plan for me and I can’t wait to see what it is!

my trust vs. ppl..

uhm..its been a while..almost forgot the existence of my blog.. =P

well..theres nothing really new in my life anyway.. same stuff different day.. so theres no need to write something on my blog..hehehe..

some close friends once told me that i need to change in trusting other ppl so easily..which is actually very true.. i dont know why, but i always believe that everyone have their bad side and good side..and i (sadly) really believe that everyone are good..that they r not gonna hurt me or something..if i dont hurt them.. coz i believe in karma..  maybe it could happen in a perfect world..that i dont live in..

im too naive..? might be.. coz it wasnt the first time or the second time that someone clearly hurted me..backstabbed me..lied to me..broke their promises.... and what did i do to them..? nothin..!! yes..nothin..!! if it comes to ppl that close to me..sometimes i just dont feel like i want to do a revenge.. coz my mom taught me not to revenge on other ppl..if they did something bad to u..show them that they couldnt let u down... sounds perfect for a perfect world.. and sadly..once again i dont live on d perfect world...

backstabbing (not the real stabbing with knives or whatever)....ever wondering why they call it like that..? hehehe..maybe coz its stabbing a person from the back..so the person wouldnt know.. =P but for me..i guess it might be becoz of the pain and hurt are the same with the real backstabbing with knives..? hahaha..well..it doesnt make sense.. okay..im not gonna say anything about it then.. =P

betrayal..betrayal and backstabbing are kinda similar for me.. wanna know the feeling of getting both of them together..? well..u can ask me about it.. it will be my pleasure to punch u on d eye..hehehe..jk..

back to the topic.. trusting other ppl.. i just cant help it.. but i learned a lot since i live here in indiana...i changed a bit in that department.. i still trust other ppl though..but now i know the level of trust that i can give.. so im not gonna get the same stuff twice..rite..? ;)

actually...the backstabbing things are really interested.. coz til now..i still dont get it.. okay..for example like this..(just an example ppl..chill..=P) u have someone that loves u very much..but u have to go for some time..u realized u love that person back..but u care about them too much, u didnt want to block n hold his/her future..coz u knew u cant be with him for some time.. but then..a friend of him/her that u know came into u two.. it was pure friendship at first..but then..kaboom..!! they fell in love.. and left u thinkin about ur future with him/her that since then floating on the air.. unanswered proposal.. unanswered questions.. broken promises.. all of them were mixed into one.. brokenhearted..

normal ppl, i believe wouldnt give up just like that... but what if u r not one of those ppl..? r u still gonna trust ppl like u used to be..?

im living my new life with ppl that i love in here.. i already moved on.. but when it comes with the heart talking.. i cant deny that all of the shadow from my past keep coming and make me feel insecure.. tried so hard to trust ppl in love department..even though i know i have my family n some friends back home that will always love me..no matter what..

why it is so easy for me to trust other ppl in everyday life..? but its hard to trust other ppl to get into my heart..? once i trusted them..and then they hurted me for many times.. i think im enough with it.. lets God leads me the way out..! and shows me my way to my future..!

it is time..... to move on...

Have u ever thought about everything that had happened in the past..? good things... bad things... time that transformed so quick from future to present and suddenly it became part of our past... we didnt even realize the process of it.. well..we might realize it when its already past..

past..past..past.. how can a word have such a deep meaning..? it could be good past.. or bad past.. every human being have their own past.. however, how many exact number of ppl that have the same past..? or at least they consider themselves to have an exact beautiful past with others.. what if the past that u thought it was the best moment in ur life with someone, appeared to be just an ordinary past for that person..? for me it doesnt really matter.. well..its kinda hurt though if u think about it.. but thats not my point here..

my point is.. how big is the role of past in ur life..?

for me.. past was the most important thing in my life.. i know..i was kinda shallow.. i didnt want to let go off my past.. i was very happy with my past.. and didnt see my future as interesting as it.. so i was holding on it for a long long time.. well..not that long..but if u consider my age now.. its almost a quarter of my life..

but hey.. ppl changed.. even i changed.. not that much.. coz now past still has an important role in my life..but not as important as my present n future.. i think everyone know and agree that past can teach us to have a better life in d future.. to help us in making a good or better decision.. it might help us to be a lil bit mature.. past can also make us appreciate everything that we had.. we only need to meet someone that can make us feel comfy for being ourselves..and of course we have to be open..

however.. past will always be the past.. we will never ever be able to change it.. no matter what...

so.. i guess it is time to move on... and i am ready for that.. r u with me..? =))))

two days..two days after my very best friend went back to her home for good....... it's very hard for me..... =((((

before i came here..i never thought about having a best friend..or even friends that i close to... but everything changed... i met good ppl who became my good friends and my best friends.... and i had a lot of good memories even though there are always bad memories from everything..even i had the worst in my life... but still.. i had tons of good memories....

ive learned so many things..how to value my life and my relationship to other ppl.. how can i appreciate every moment that i have when im with ppl that i love and care about...

the last couple weeks before my friend went back home were very hard.. coz i know that shes leaving soon...and i might not seen her for the rest of my life... when u live with someone for the whole year and sharing everything in every single day together.. u will understand what i feel... it feels like a part of me missing.......

i always wanted to have a sister... and god answered me.. god met me with my friend.... even though it was only for a year.. but im so glad that i met her... ive learned so many things from her.. and in a few days..my another sister is goin back home too......both of them are goin back home for ever....

ive also learned so many things from all of my friends.. now i know who are the real friends..and who rnt.. i wish i could change some things from my past.. but i couldnt.. and my friends were here to help me stand up again... to be strong..

there r no words cant describe my feeling right now... everything mixed... so sad that everyone's leaving....... in the other hand, im happy for them coz they went back home to meet their family and friends...... i cant be too selfish and wishing everyone stay.. i know that.. but i cant stand it....  i wish i can make all of my friends staying here.. and none of us have to be separate from each other... separate from each other for thousand and thousand miles.....

i think thats all from me.. or i will never stop..

now.. i just wanna say thank you for all my friends in here.. i know none of u will read it.. but......uhm.. thank you for giving me the best time in my life....and to teach me the meaning of friendship..... i will never forget about all of u guys...

i love u all...........................................................

huh...... udah bulan maret ajah niyh.. makin deket ke bulan mei.... gax kerasa banget taunya udah mau 7 bulan ajah gue disini..

tapi..makin deket jadi makin gax pgn deyh ke bulan mei...... soalnya tmn dkt gue disini dua2nya bakalan pulang ke negara mereka masing2.. abis itu gue sendiri lagi deyh...... dan abis mereka pulang.. kita gax akan bisa lagi ketemu deyh.... paling jg klo ketemu cuma utk bbrp minggu, thats all.. sedih bgt klo mikir itunya... gue udah biasa bgt tinggal brg mereka.. setiap hari brg2.. sedih ama seneng bareng2.. but what can i do..?????

jadi inget waktu pertama kali dtg kesini.. gue bilang ke nykp gue klo gue gax mungkin deyh yang namanya punya tmn dkt disini... tp ternyata gue justru dpt tmn yang gue ngerasa dkt bgt..!! kita malah mikirnya jgn2 we were sisters in the past..hahahaha.. aneh siyh.. but thats what we feel bout each other......

and now..they r goin back home...soon....... and after that we have our own life... in the different part of the world... i know i will miss them very very much... and my summer here will be so empty and different.. but thats life.....

in the other hand, i cant wait to go back home.. to meet my family and friends... i miss them sooo much..!!! however, i have to go back to indy after all...and face it..that i will be all alone again..just like the first couple weeks i came here.... i hate that... i have to start from the very beginning.. i have to adapt with everything for the second time.......

and deep inside my heart..i know i wont have friendship like i have now..

my fave quote is "regret always come too late" ..

somehow..i knew it from the first time that i will regret it.. will feel hurt bout it.. and i wont get the thing that i really want.. on the other hand, i dont want to be selfish..i dont want to promise something that im not sure that i can keep it or no..i dont want to owe someone an explanation.. i dont want someone get hurt becoz of me.. and the main thing is..i dont want to get hurt anymore....

although i knew it from the beginning that this situation would happened... but actually..deep inside my heart.. i dont want it......

for someone out there..i just want to say thank u for everything that u have done to me.. u taught me so many things before i came here.. i learned to love..i learned to care..and i learned to trust a guy for the second time..

i know it sounds so weird and kinda too late.. but believe me.. i made that decision becoz i want to set u free.. u deserve someone better than me.. and i know i cant give u anything that u need from a girl....i cant be around..i cant cheer u up and tell u that everythin will be okay..and do somethin stupid to make u feel better.. coz im not there.. im miles away from u... although it was kinda hard for me..but i never show it to u.. i pretend to be strong.. i pretend that i dont have any feeling to u.....

well..now u have ur own life.. and i have my own life... thank you for everything..

aahh..gilaaaa.. gax kerasa ajah gue disini udah mau 5 bulan..!! kangen bgt ama jakarta..!!! kgn ama keluarga dan tmn2 gueeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee..!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

KANGEN BGTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT..!!!

skrg gue makin yakin klo keluarga dan tmn2 gue ituh brarti bgt dlm hidup gue..

i really love u smuanyaaaaa...!!! my words can only tell how much i miss u all......but they cant show my real feeling which is more than that.....

mmwwwwwwaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa...

aahhhhhh..Alhamdulillah bgt skrg kelasnya udah enrolled semuaaaa..!!! yyaaayyy..!! no more waiting list..!! \(^_^)/

yahh..walopun jadwalnya agak2 mencar2 gax jelas gt..tp gpp siyh.. huaaa.. leganya..!! untung professor yg trakhir ini baik.. jdnya gax usah begging2 segala.. hehehehehehe.. =D

tp gue dpt pelajaran berharga minggu ini..! hehehe.. 'thx' bgt dah buat advisor gue yg nge'bantuin' gue.. hahahaha..cukup tau ajah.. =P

pokoknya skrg udah bisa bernapas legaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa... ffiiuuhhh..

taun baru 2006

well uhm.. cuma pgn bikin sesuatu yg baru ajah di taun 2006 ini..hehehe.. makanya pgn nyoba punya blogs.. kyk apa siyh.. =P

resolusi taun 2006? uhm..kyknya gax ada deyh.. cuma do my best in everything deyh.. n try not to regret the things ive done..

kmaren taun baruan di new york.. seneng jg..tp kangen bgt ama indy.. aneh bgt.. d boring indy..hehehe.. tp ternyata semua tmn2 gue yg lg pada vacation jg pada kangen tuh.. makanya agak2 glad to be home jg siyh.. lagian jg udah ran out of money tuh.. mana paychecknya blom dpt..huhuhu..

i miss home..miss my family n friends.. cant wait to go back home this summer.. =) on the other side.. im kinda like in here..feels like my second home (it is my second home..haha) but i dunno what will happen when my friends goin back to their home country.. i'll be all alone.. luv ya guys..!!

well uhm..jd ngalor ngidul.. udah ahh.. cuma mo ngetest doang kok.. duduuu..